Almost homE
Mood:  not sure
Yeah.. things arn't going to good right now.

I owe a 500 doller loan.. like soon, I owe 400 dollers to my (ex) bf, and I need money to get a plane ticket and to have money when I get home before I get a job. Which when I get home I know I will not have a job for a loong while because it is soo hard to get one there... there are nnOOO jobs.

So anyways, On top of that, I just lost my job..
And I'm going insane here with my ex. Like I'm soo depressed that I can't even get out of bed in the morning when I didn't have to work.

It's so unfair how I lost my job. I was really sick for a week, and I never worked 12 hour shifts before, and had to work 3 in a row. So the second day of my 12 hour shift, I ended up getting reallY Sick. Like throwing up and everything. So they asked me if I wanted someone to fill in for me, and I obviously said yes.. so then I went home, and went to the hosipital and finds out that I'm fired after! Because they had to call someone in! Yes.. I know they shouldn't beable to do that.. but I was working through an agency for only a month.. and they can fire me for no reason at all if they wanted to.. So anyways. Now I have no job. And it makes no sense, the first 2 weeks I worked there they gave me 3 raises! And they switched me to 12 hour shifts.. they never do that unless they think your a good worker... its stupid.

Anyways, I seriously almost had a nervous breakdown when I found out.. I cried right in front of her.. which by the way the person that fired me wasn't even a supervisor! So I went home and on the walk home I seriously was balling.. like hyperventilating.. I got home and couldn't breath and called my Aunt and went crazy.. cried and cried.

So now I'm calmed down.. but I still have to pay all this money back and have no job.. and want to go home but don't have enough money and I even though my ex was being a dick before and we'll in the past 2 days has done a 180.. I'm scared he'll start acting like a dick again..

I'm soo not over him, I'm scared he's going to hurt me more than I already am, and the hard truth is that I really do love him and want to be with him.
:(

So yeah, I know the worlds not over and other ppl have it worse off than me.. and thats what I keep telling myself to get through this.

I came here.. lost all my money.. lost pretty much everything about my life, lost my bf of 4 years and my best friend of 9. No we're not fighting and we havn't had anything happen.. but I never see her.. she never answers the phone.. and I dunno if I will beable to even get a hold of her before I goes home.

The last time I talked to her we made plans to hang out and she kept saying sorry for never being around even though I wasn't upset over it. And now I never talked to her for about a month. We used to go from talking to eachother for more than twice a day to once a month. I don't understand. I helped her soo much when she first moved here.. she lived off me and my bf for 2 months.. we paid for everything and I even got her a job.. and we we're so close. I dunno whats going on. I know her bf doesn't like me.. he's really jelious of her and even hates it when she has friends.. so yeah. I just hope I didn't completly loose her as a friend.

So anyways.. I have no idea what to do, Im going to pay off my ex for the 2 hundred and then pay the rest later, and I'll have a hundred to live off of, if i wanna stay and try to find another job or go home and try to find one really quick and then do a money transer and Devin can pay off the rest of my bills with my money.

I'm not really sure what to do yet.. I guess I'll think about it till friday, when I gets paid, and in the meantime try to find a job.. beacause I would rather get my bills payed off before I goes home.. I would be better off.

So I guess by this Sunday I'll either have my ticket or have a job :)

I hope I make the right decision...

Sick...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: nothing.
I feel soo sick today. I haven't been feeling well lately, the other day when I was at work I kept feeling like I was going to throw up, I started crying and asked to go home. lol. Yeah I know, lame, childish.. whatever.

I was scared to go home at first cause I was scared I'd loose my job, so I stuck it out as long as I could.

I'm starting to get nervous, I never started my period this month, Jan, totally skipped it. I'm not sure what I would do if I became pregnant. Me and Devin are broken up, and will never be together again. Not to mention the fact that I want to go university in the fall. I have my whole life ahead of me, I'm only 18 and believe me, not mature for my age. Everyone says I am, but they obviously don't know the real me, lol.

I miss my family and friends, I really want to go home, and get a normal job. Like as a cashier or waitress for a while. Working in a factory is sore work, time consuming, loud and annoying. I hope when I leave this job I will never have to work in a facotory again :( I'm really not cut out for that type of work.

Anyways Devins being a dick, so I gotta go.


Yeah, my cell phone bill amoung other ones is the reason for me still being here, living with him. I owe 400 dollers on it if I want to get it disconected and pay off the bill. But I'm not sure if I want it disconected. The bill is 35 bucks a month, not soo bad. I really miss not having a phone when I go out. In a city you kinda need one, and I am going to be here for a couple more months. When I go to university, I'm going to need a cell. But I'm thinking I'm better off just buying a new one then, mines not the best, its simple and cute, but every month they come out with newer better phones. So I dunno I guess I may keep this one till I leave.. just get it switched over to my name.

Desperate...
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Journey - Small town girl
I dunno what to do! I love him soo much! I can't stop thinking about him.. I can't stop wanting him, wanting to be around him.. wanting to kiss and hug him.

He makes me look like an idiot all the time in front of others. If I got to give him a kiss he'll be like " I hate it when your all over me.. stop it " But the thing is I ain't all over him.. he just says it loud enough so then everyone can think I want him more than I actually do.

He keeps saying that I'm trying to hold onto anything I can get from him.. like kisses and stuff because I know we're over. In other words I'm desperate. He says that hes annoyed with me.. he wants me here but he would be much happier without me.

I don't know what to do! I don't know how to act. He tells me he wants to be single and not with me.. but then he acts as if he does and has sex with me.
Then I come over to talk to him and he says he's annoyed by me and he keeps talking to some girl while shes on webcam.. on msn. And he talks to her for over an hour.. but he can't talk to me longer than 2 mins! I'm sooo.. I dunno.. confused..

I love him soo much and just want to cry all the time. But I've cried so much lately I don't think I have any tears left. What am I going to do. I thought our relashionship meant more than this.. but it doesn't feel like it right now. It feels nothing more than how much my exes mean to me. I feel soo much towards him.. but it feels like he doesn't give a shit about me. He just wants me to go home.. and he keeps telling me that "we're not going out anymore" so hes not obligated to do anything. I know we don't go out anymore.. but we sleep in that same bed.. we have sex.. we kiss.. hug.. and when I'm sad he "used" to be there. And now out of nowhere.. like overnight.. he's changed his mind.

I know this sounds all confusing and like a bunch of shit.. but its hard to explain.. its soo fuckin complicated.

OMG!!!!

Special..
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: nothing.
The thing is.. I love this guy.

I miss him.. like so much. I miss being his gf.. even though when I was, I was very unhappy. Why do I love him so much if he makes me so unhappy? I think it's because I'm so insecure.. that I need his love to feel happy.

In my whole life the only person thats ever made me happy was Devin. The only person that actually fixed my problems and helped me with my mistakes was Devin. I do not believe he's the only one that cares for me.. but I do believe that he's the only one that can be there for me.

I don't think I want to be with him, honestly. But when I leave I hope he misses me. He misses me soo much that he calls me up and asks to make it work again. I know I'm dreaming and that won't happen but I'm praying that it will. It doesn't mean that I really would actually come back here or even want to try and make it work long distancely.. but I just want to know that our relashionship was real, our feelings and love was real. I don't want to be just like every other girl.. I don't want our relashionship to be like everyone elses. I want him to miss me and show me how much I meant to him.

The thing I'm scared of is me leaving and him be happy without me. I want him to be happy with or without me.. but I want him to miss me. I know I think too much and I wish it we're different. But I don't want out relashionship to turn out like others. Me move away.. say we'll talk and be friends and him move on so quickly and I will stay single and miss him like crazy, and we'll drift apart. I know I will miss him.. and I know that I will still want to be with him, is sux knowing I can't do anything about it.

I dunno how we will ever be "just friends" and I also don't know how to get out of this dramatic faze.

He's home now.. I'll finish this later

He WON!!!
Mood:  down
Now Playing: nothing.
His band won.. they won the show! I feel so happy for them yet so sad. His life is getting better everyday and mines just getting worse.

His dreams will come true and mine will never have a chance. I hate this but I want him to be happy. I dunno if I can ever get over him. I dunno if I can be near him without crying.

I wish I was there. Apprently the crowd kept requesting more songs and they kept playing. The record contract ppl we're there so theres a good chance that their dreams will happen soon.

They didn't even hardly practise and they still did amazing. Why is it soo easy for him.. why does he have to be the one that everything good happens to?
I should be so happy fo him because this is what he's been waiting for for most of his life.. but I can't stop feeling jeliousy. He's moving on soo quickly and I'm standing still.. slowely going insane. I thought I was the one that was going to be ok.. but turns out he's the one that will get everythings he's ever wanted.

Now he's single.. this is the timeof his life.. and all I want to do is cry and get away from everything I worked so hard to keep.. but I lost.

Why do I have to feel like this! Why can't I just be happy for him? I need to get away.. I can't be here! I can't watch him be soo happy when I'm so miserable. HELP ME!!!

Fuck
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: nothing.
I fuckin hate when I don't have my own privacy. Living with 5 ppl is hard enough to have my own privacy but when they actually try to get onto my account that fuckin pisses me off.

I have an account because I want to keep all my personal shit together and put a password on it so others can't look.

I think its kind of cuntish to just try to figure out my password and get onto my account. Adam and Crystal obviously have no respect for others privacy. I know they didn't go through my things but by trying to figure out the password instead of just asking me to sign on so they can use my msn is pretty fuckin stupid.

I use one password for everything. Now I have to change that password. My memory isn't that great... i forget everything.. thats why my password is the same for everything. I'm soooo fuckin pissed. I can't wait to go home.

I'm so fuckin tired right now and I have to work in 2 and half hours. They wont shut the fuck up. They talk so fuckin loud.. I can hear them so plain in my bedroom. FUCK I'm mad. Anyways I have to try and at least get some sleep. I wish I could pick up for myself more. Guess I'll have to work at that.

Amazing
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Brighter than sunshine - Aqualung
I feel so lucky to have had the experience I have. I have so much to learn from from my family, friends and ex bf's. I love how when things happen that are a huge deal.. everyone always seems to be there.. big or small.. time connsuming or not.

I love my family.. they may drive you nuts some days but you know they'll always be there no matter what. I never understood why I had to go through everything with my mom and my dad. I always wondered why me? but why not me.. if it wasn't me it would be someone else right? At least I can say I have had the experince and now know what not to do in raising children as well as decisions made :) Also if we didn't go through our battle's we would not be in the place we are today.. and to me its the best place we could ever be in considering the past.

My aunt has always been there for me and when I see how she's raising her children and love and care she puts into everything each and every day.. it really makes me want a family someday.

Devin may be the most importand thing that has happened so far. He may not be the most importand person but when you add up all he's done for me and to me you could see why he makes my life better than it would have been if he hadn't came along. Sure he's broken my heart a few times and may not have always been the ideal boyfriend but what he taught me means so much more than how he hurt me. I hurt him many times and he's done the same.. but its always the ppl close to you who hurt you the most, without even trying it.

He's taught me to be myself, to stand up for myself, to be more confident and if you want something to go after it.. no one will just hand it to you .. you have to grab it. He showed me how great it felt to fall in love, and how much wisdom comes from a broken heart. He loved me with all his heart, and was honest right from the start. I've watched him grow as he watched me also.

I'm truly still in love with him but knowing it may never work is ok. Because thats the way life is.. I don't believe that there is only one perfect person for you, I think there are many.. and your can't go looking to find them.. you just have to wait to run into them somehow. Don't be desperate with any guy that comes your way thinking hes the one.. go out have fun, live your life, have many friends and someday you will find eachother.

I may sound like a dreamer, but what is life really if you do not have dreams? Whats the point of taking everthing literal and looking as bad aspects rather than good? what good does that do you?

Although I am only 18, and I've yet to find myself.. I know with all good and bad things that have happened in my life so far.. only good should it bring me. I learn more each day and if I have to learn from awful circumstances then thats how its got to be. Instead of sulking and critcizing why not just be happy and less stressed. I know things may get you down but give it a week or so and you'lll be on your feet again. Let yourself heal each time so it doesn't build up and make you insane.. but in the end there should always be a lesson, and if there isn't move on.. thats life.. life doesn't always bright sunny days :) Life isn't always perfect.. and you can't always get what you want. Just remember that tomorrows another chance to start over or to move on.

Thinking...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: nothing.
I'm not feeling much of anything right about now. I know I should be thinking of my future and which decisions will affect me the most..

I know that staying here in an unhappy relationship with a person that doesn't even really want a relationship is wrong. I'm living my life for him and not myself. If I stay I will be unhappy and I will never know what might have been if I had left. If I started my own life and lived it for myself.. took time off from relationships and do things for myself for a change.

I feel like I want to leave.. but something inside tells me to stay. I know the right thing to do right now is to go back and to write off the past couple of months as a positive experience.. But is that really what I want?

In my life I have only wished for two things. To find peace with my mom and to be with Devin. I am not religious in any way.. but I prayed and prayed for these two things most of my adolescent life. Without these two pieces I thought I may fall apart. Which isn't the fact.

I am standing here today, not wondering what might have been but looking towards the future. Trying to not focus on the "what ifs's" like I normally do, but focusing on my future.

I'm 18 and have my whole life ahead of me. I believe that life is all about the decisions we have to make. Big or small they all let us live out the life we choose to live. No matter who hates our opinions and thoughts we can not let them get us down. Be giving to others but think of your own well being as well.

Life is all about the lessons you learn and the tears and laughter along the way. I always try to make the right decisions but they never work out the way they should. Maybe I should just do what I want to do.. as long as it is moral in the way I think and feel.

I have alot to learn yet and I need to keep a positive attitude more than I have ever done before right in this moment. These next couple of years will determine the path I take and the place I belong in this world. I just hope it is as meaningful and fulfilling as others I know.